Remember Facebook Notes — for when you weren’t satisfied with annoying your friends in less than three sentences? Not shockingly, I used to post them all the time because I thought I was absolutely hysterical.
Long story short, here is one I posted on June 6, 2009:
Every Saturday morning at work, somebody is guaranteed to break out a copy of one of those ‘women’s magazines’ that give you great tips on making the perfect summer cocktail while also convincing you that you are a total failure at life because you are wearing a look from last season.
[By the way, yes, I do work on Saturday mornings. And, yes, it is soul-crushing. Thanks for asking.]
Anyway, after a few minutes of the typical “I hate my boyfriend” chatter that makes me realize how lucky I am to not be fucking any of my co-workers, somebody’s inner-slut always manages to turn right to the ‘Seven Sexy Ways to Please Your Man’ article.
Women… please allow me to clear something up.
YOU ARE NOT FAT.
That model on page 36 — the one that can fit into a size zero, and make it look baggy? Yeah, she suffers from anorexia and snorts a lot of coke in order to forget her past and/or hunger pains.
Oh, and that really sexy picture of the impossibly gorgeous B-list actress/Food Network star on the cover? Strangely enough, there’s this new thing called “Photoshop” that’s been going around that’s pretty effective when it comes to hiding blemishes and imperfections. It’s how Kim Kardashian loses her cellulite. And how they make Megan Fox look like she takes showers on a regular basis.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Yes, every last single one of you. I don’t care if you aren’t 5’11”, or if you can’t fit into your old 2-piece bathing suit from college, or if the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. Even if you used to fuck Bill Clinton, you are an incredibly beautiful woman who needs to stop letting society define you as being ‘less-than-desirable’ simply because you don’t look like Barbie. Or because you reached your 31st birthday.
All of those magazines are geared towards making you feel like shit so that you will rush to pick up the next issue with their ‘Secret Fashion Tips of the Stars’ and ‘Lose Weight Fast’ promises. And, seriously, FUCK LOSING WEIGHT — real men love curves! I love hips, I love breasts… I love women who can properly fill out a dress while eating an entire slab of ribs. If I wanted to be with someone who looks like a 12-year-old boy, I’d fuckin’ move to Neverland.
And, even more real talk before I go, those ‘Seven Sexy Ways to Please Your Man’ articles are written by OTHER WOMEN. If you really want to know how to please your man, allow me to break it down to you:
STEP 1) Insert penis into vagina.
STEP 2) There is no Step 2.